Acute Angles: What is your Question? |
Because of this column’s universal expertise, people keep sending in questions and asking for our help. In keeping with our deep sense of commitment to public service, we try to answer these questions as best we can.
Dear David: Is it really all that different today than it was when you were a kid?
Dear Reader: I wouldn’t necessarily say that. Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Dear David: The exploding rabbit population is destroying my garden. What can I do to stop it?
Dear Reader: Try to keep the exploding rabbits out of your garden.
Dear David: What are your feelings about domestic spending?
Dear Reader: We have enough problems here at home without worrying about domestic spending.
Dear David: I keep having feelings of insecurity. What do you attribute this to?
Dear Reader: You have these feelings of insecurity because you are unsure of yourself.
Dear David: The placebos my doctor prescribed don’t seem to be working. What do you suggest?
Dear Reader: Go back to his office and have him pretend to operate.
Dear David: I’ve been told that marriage is a 50-50 proposition. Do you have any advice for me?
Dear Reader: Anybody who says that marriage is a 50-50 deal doesn’t understand two things: the opposite sex, and fractions.
Dear David: When you consider how much heartbreak life brings, and all the misery and suffering there is in the world, death may not really be that much of a misfortune. Don’t you think it might not be better if a person is never born at all?
Dear Reader: There may be something in what you say, but how many of us are that lucky?
Dear David: I see a lot of people knocking on wood, wearing lucky shirts, and saying things like "God forbid!" Do you think this sort of thing actually does anybody any good?
Dear Reader: No I don’t. The only thing superstition does is bring you bad luck.
Dear David: I understand there’s going to be a lecture on Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, and I would like to go, but I can’t find out anything about it. Can you tell me where it is and when?
Dear Reader: I can tell you the time or the place, but not both.
Dear David: What should I do if my wife and I happen to have a disagreement about something?
Dear Reader: You must learn to never argue with your wife. You might win – then you’re really in trouble.
Dear David: I have to wait five weeks for an appointment with my officially-designated primary care provider, who is then going to refer me to a specialist who can’t see me for another five weeks. What can I do about the long wait?
Dear Reader: At least you don’t have to deal with some government bureaucracy. That would be a real nightmare.
Dear David: Does worry serve any constructive purpose?
Dear Reader: Yes, it does. Ninety percent of the things you worry about won’t happen.
Dear David: In answer to a recent question about astronomy, I heard you say that the way to tell whether an object has greater mass is to see whether it has greater gravity. Then you said that the way to tell whether an object has greater gravity is to see whether it has greater mass. Isn’t this circular reasoning?
Dear Reader: I prefer to think of it as leaving no loose ends.
Dear David: Is it true that we get smarter as we get older?
Dear Reader: No, it isn’t. We stay just as stupid as we ever were. We just forget.
Dear David: Considering all the efforts going on to control guns, isn’t it true that owning a gun is an American tradition?
Dear Reader: The American tradition is owning a Congressman.
Dear David: Is it true that you don’t know the meaning of real happiness until you get married?
Dear Reader: Yes, but then it’s too late.
Dear David: I’m having trouble getting my building plans approved. How can I expedite things?
Dear Reader: Go through regular channels. Try bribing the Chairman of the Planning Commission.
Dear David: I always have trouble dealing with people. Please tell me how I can improve myself.
Dear Reader: Always start the day with a smile. That way you get it over with early.