By Sue Widemark
As I recover from my compound fractured and dislocated ankle and constantly regain more range of motion in the joint daily, I am thankful that I now can carry out most ordinary things in life with a minimum of pain, I can walk again without the extra baggage of cast, crutches and walker and I can actually sit in the car like a regular person - without having to have my leg elevated. I can even take a shower standing up. I've had a lot of time to think and one line of thought has been questioning whether perhaps this is the time I need to quit bike riding. After all, in the past 4 years, all my major injuries have been associated with my bicycle. In 1994, the bike stopped but I kept going (over the handlebars). I was wearing a helmet but that's not where I hit. I knocked out my front teeth and my face ended up looking like I had been in the ring with Mohammed Ali for two rounds. I actually stayed off my bike for almost six months after that. Well, except for a short ride here and there. Last year, I lost my balance dismounting my bicycle and fell on my left wrist, fracturing and spraining it. Took me 8 months to regain full range of motion. Eight months and a lot of pain. This didn't keep my off my bike. The next week, I biked down to the woman's expo, wrist brace and all (well, you can't park easily downtown, I told myself as an excuse) And finally, this year began with my being hit on my bicycle by an inattentive motorist who never looked where he was going as he was so intent on turning right. I kept thinking to myself, what business do I, a mature 53 year old, have, being on a bike in the first place?
Maybe it's time for me to act my age and take to the rocking chair and sedate SAFE hobbies like needlework! I thought about getting a three wheeler. That would solve the balance problem. But it would not do anything about the inattentive motorists who seem to clog the roads in increasing numbers these days. Ok, I reasoned, a person can live without bike riding. People can do it every day. I bought a nice stationary bicycle and have been using it daily before I go to work (my ride to work - isn't this much safer than getting out on a two wheeler? And besides, I can watch gymnastics on TV or read a book - can't do that on a bicycle outside!). As I drive to work, I feel safe surrounded by the heavy metal. Of course, I know this is not really any safer - people get critically injured in cars on a daily basis - injured much worse than I was on a bike. It's a warm fuzzie though. Except to when I get to thinking how much nicer it would be to be on my bike. I can get much better exercise doing twenty minutes before work on the stationary bicycle - there is no stopping, no rain, no worry about whether it WILL rain and no Mr Fred's not looking where they are going. Perfect. In the evening I do a 30 minute stress buster workout on my Health Rider or Airofit (the Airofit is part of my therapy - OUCH ). And on Saturdays, I can go swimming and do aqua aerobics. Never got hurt swimming except for a couple of times when my foot hit the side of the pool and I got a bruise - no big deal.
See, I can live just fine without bike riding! And probably live much healthier as well. I put my injured bike into the shop and waited for them to call when it was ready. I decided to put a new fork on it instead of just bending out the old fork - this would be stronger they told me although they did say bending the old fork would work well except if I did a lot of mountain biking (I don't). As I was telling the man to go with the new fork, I was thinking "why am I doing this when I am going to quit riding?" When they didn't call after a few weeks, I kept telling myself "Who cares? I don't want to get on it anyway." Finally this week I thought I'd call them just to see what was happening. The man who answered the phone said the words I'd dreaded. "It's ready. You can pick it up anytime." Before I can stop myself, all my logic goes out the window. Thoughts of getting on it take over my mind. "NO!" I shout. "It's going in the house and I'm going to think about this" and in the same moment I find myself thinking, "Maybe I can have my hubby drop me at the bike shop and I can ride home." "NO!!!", again I shout inside my mind, "Remember the Fred's out there. What if I fall and re-injure my ankle? The place where the fractured bone stuck out still has a scab on it. The ankle is still swollen. It still hurts. WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ME? AM I NUTS? I'M TOO OLD FOR THIS!" But something inside of me (maybe I broke and dislocated something else besides my ankle, like a bone in my head!) keeps it up. "Well, what if I just ride around the neighborhood? Just up a few side streets. Well, I could ride the canal too - no cars there.
Yesterday on the stationary bike, before I could catch myself, I had mapped out a safe (reasonably car-free) route to and from work. I keep telling myself I can enjoy the sunshine in the car. I open the windows. I play the tape deck. I'M SAFE. Isn't this nice, I tell myself. Things came to a head when my favorite Woman's sports magazine arrived yesterday. Like a conspiracy against my attempts at acting my age and being logical, they had an article about three bike riders and what they like about riding. "Feeling the wind in my hair" (ah, yes, I sigh, remembering wonderful silent glides on my favorite off-road bike paths). Another lady talked about the freedom of riding around the city all day (she's a bike messenger in San Francisco). And I remember the wonderful feeling of freedom I felt on my rides home from work. All the stresses of work melted away as I took in the open air, green trees and the feeling of flying one gets on a bicycle. The third lady was the worst. She talked about the feeling of speed and control. I think about how wonderful it feels when it seems like my body and my bike are one and I have absolute control over my vehicle and we fly together. Then, I knew I was kidding myself. I knew that the moment I had my bike here I was going to get on it. Nevermind logic. Nevermind that a 53 year old woman has no business acting like a kid and no wonder I was suffering the pain of broken bones. Nevermind that the last thing I want to do is repeat these last two months of pain and suffering. The bottom line is that there are a few of us sickies to whom sports are NOT about fitness. Oh, we like working out. We tell ourselves it's good to exercise. But the truth is, we are addicted to the sensation of moving our bodies. To the thrill of whatever sport we like. My attraction to my bike has got to be just as strong as an alcholic's attraction to the bar. I know it's not a smart thing to do. I know that in my mind. But tell my heart this. I also know that the longing for the exhillerating feeling of riding will only be satisfied in one way and that as long as I CAN RIDE, I CAN'T stay off my bike. I mean, I tell myself there has got to be something else as fun in life as bike riding. Got to be. To get on my bike now is sheer insanity. But at the same time I catch myself thinking "I wonder where my first ride will be..." by Sue Widemark