By Madame Stephenie, Gazer to the Stars
L Aries: You are well aware that your IDE controller has it in for your hard drive, and your mouse and modem will never agree on ports. Give it up and go back to paper and pencil.
_ Taurus: Your innate stubbornness is of little avail when faced with a large tire iron. Think it over and learn to compromise.
` Gemini: Just because you have a dual nature doesn’t justify your therapist’s charging group rates. Check your medications carefully and ignore that small, still voice -- it’s in your neighbor’s head, not yours.
a Cancer: You will never overcome the opprobrium accompanying the nomenclature attached to your sun sign. Wait for your next life and try to be born a Libra or something.
b Leo: PBS documentaries to the contrary, you are not the top of the food chain: check your intimate areas for ticks, Bunkie.
c Virgo: With a simple vowel change, you become rain that never reaches the ground. Remember that the next time you get too uppity.
d Libra: Regrets and recriminations will get you a fast smack in the chops. Wait until Pluto moves into Warner Brothers for your next high cycle.
e Scorpio: Have you checked yourself under black light recently? True Scorpios glow purple. Maybe your parents lied about your birthdate. Maybe they aren’t really your parents ...
f Sagittarius: Keep your little bow and arrow to yourself this month, Sagittarius, or you may find yourself in a paternity suit. This is not the same as a birthday suit, which got you into this trouble in the first place.
g Capricorn: Watch your goatlike tendencies and read the Sagittarius message, don’t eat it. See to your own personal hygiene before smiling. Lettuce makes a statement, but it may not be the one you had in mind.
h Aquarius: So this whole mess is your fault! "Age of Aquarius," indeed. But then, looking at you, I guess we shouldn’t have expected anything better.
i Pisces: Those hard, thoughtful stares you’ve been getting from your cats mean something, Fishface. Your destiny is written by the stars ... and check out the side of cat food cans if you want to know a mackerel’s destiny.