by Bruce Stiles
A short time ago, after singing a couple of songs in a Karaoke bar, I was asked by a person how I had managed to sing the first time. He wanted to sing Karaoke also, but was having trouble mustering up the courage. Unlike our Calendar Goddess, who says that Karaoke attracts people from the intersection of two groups — those who should not drink and those who should not sing (her jealousy is so transparent) — a lot of people have the mistaken impression that people who sing Karaoke are some kind of demi-god. He got me thinking about what kind of advice to give someone, and the results are below. Follow this advice, and people may think that you're a demi-god.
General Advice: Keep these facts in the back of your mind.
There is no downside to singing Karaoke: nobody ever died or lost their job from singing poorly in a Karaoke bar. You probably sound better than you think, anyway. No matter how bad you sound, the chances are still excellent that someone else will sound worse. A demi-god who sings badly is still a demi-god, and ranks above a mere mortal, at least in the view of the mere mortals.
Do some homework: Go to a couple of Karaoke events (without singing) so that you can get a feel for it. Pay attention to who does really well and why, and who does, um, less well and why. Identify the songs that you may be able to sing that are very popular with the crowd. The whole idea of Karaoke is for everyone to have fun, and no one wants to make someone else feel foolish. It would be un-demi-godly. I have never seen anyone not complete a song, but you wouldn't have to. If you felt that you couldn't finish a song, all you would have to do is tell the DJ that you can't continue. He or she would fade out the song and still get the other patrons to give you a round of applause for trying. (I guess you would then be a semi-demi-god.)
Specific Advice: None of this is rocket science.
Make it easy on yourself. Don't try to sing "Unchained Melody" your first time out. Pick a song that with a range you can handle and that doesn't have notes that are exceptionally long. If Rosanne had heeded this advice she would never have tried to sing the National Anthem.
Practice, practice, practice. Most of you drive cars, change clothes and take showers. Those are all excellent times to practice, and that is when you can identify potential pitfalls. People sing along with their favorite songs on a mostly mental basis. When you actually sing the song, you may find that the long notes are a lot longer than you realized, or the range may be more than you can handle. You may determine that you will be okay so long as you practice taking a deep breath at the right time, or you may determine that you should graciously allow someone else to sing that particular song. If you do badly in practice, well, there's usually no one else in the shower anyway.
Pick a popular song. If you've done your homework, you'll know which popular songs you can do. There are two reasons to sing a popular song. First, if people like the song, they'll be happy that you sang it, no matter how well you did. Second, they'll be singing along, and they won't listening to you as much or hearing you as well.
If your worst nightmare comes to pass, slowly move the microphone away from your mouth. No one will be able to hear you, and no one will figure out that you are doing it on purpose.
Sing "Tequila." This song has only one word, used three times, and it is recited, not sung. You can do that now, can't you? Once you do one song and don't die, you will have more confidence about other songs.
The Fifth Fifth Saturday Karaoke Night is this month. I hope to see you there.